Kellys Island Village Solicitor Couldn't Care Less About Lawsuit

By Jacob Ladder

A former Kellys Island police officer has been awarded $250,000 after two sides agreed that he had been unjustly fired by Island officials. Records show that Thomas Sachenti was fired shortly after arresting the a friend of the mayor for drunk driving. "Actually we never agreed that he was fired 'unjustly.' That was part of our agreement." The village solicitor David Lombardo stated. "Actually, we really don't care about the details. What I can tell you is that he's a rogue cop who upholds the law. That's not how we do things here on the island," Lombardo said. "Anyway, we really don't care. That's why we have insurance. We don't care about lawsuits. Did I mention that?"

Lombardo expounded, "We're over it. We're already over it. We've been over it for quite some time. Why do you consider this news anyway? It happened like, two years ago. It's over. It's my understanding that this rogue cop has received speeding tickets since he was fired. Would you want a guy like that on your island? Speeding kills people. Anyway, this is over with. We're over it, and you should get over it too," Lombardo curtly stated.

"By the way, this is not something we think about on a daily basis. It's over and done with. We don't think about it all. I can't remember the last time I've even heard this cop's name. What was it? Saccalenti or something? Something Italian. That's all I really remember about the whole incident. He's running around with a badge. A rogue cop with a badge," Lombardo unemotionally stated. "The important thing is that we're back to business as usual here."