Area Socks, Underwear Outraged At Double Standard

Some area socks and underwear are upset about the double standard which the media plays in reporting sexual assaults against inanimate objects.

"We are sexually assaulted every day," says Sammy The Happy Sock, "but the second a picnic table gets assaulted, the media rushes to their aid as if they are the only inanimate objects that suffer the indignity of having a man rub himself on them in sexual pleasure."

"The double standard here is outrageous. Something must be done to hold the media accountable for such sloppy journalism."

Sammy The Happy Sock

Read more in tomorrow's Regurgitator.